You know the saying, “Bros before Hoes?” I know it is quite vulgar, my apologies, I didn’t make it up! However, in many cases I have found this to be true when it comes to dating guys. I don’t know how many times I have gotten the excuse of well my “brother” needs me right now or “My buddy doesn’t have any family, so I’m going to spend Thanksgiving with him and my other buddies.” Which is kind of sweet if you think about it, but then the reality hits you and you realize, wait a second, he has only known this “buddy” for a month! So why is it guys have such loyalty to one another?
After I broke up with my first serious boyfriend, I started to “date”- in the loosest sense of the word- a guy who was much younger than me, but a lot of fun! He was in the Marines, lived on base and had no car. Yay for me! Now, I’m not one to judge, especially at that moment in time, but what that meant was I had to drive to him every time I wanted to see him—an hour each way people! I still remember the annoying feeling of going through the gate and telling the MP (Military Police) I was here to see so and so in room blah blah blah. He would just look at me, hand me back my I.D., and say “ENJOY!” with a big smile on his face. I knew what those guys were thinking every time I went through that gate-she is just another hoe. Don’t ask me why the people who date military men or women get this reputation, but many of them do.
After a while, this “dating” game became boring, and I having to drive up there every time I wanted to see him was starting to wear on me, not to mention my car! Whenever he was down in my neck of the woods, I always found out after the fact. This always made me suspicious and should have been a flag, maybe not a red one, but one nevertheless. Finally, one night we met up for the first time downtown. He was out with his boys and I was with my girl. We probably would have never connected if I hadn’t had gone and texted him, saying “Hey, I’m downtown. If you are out and about tonight, let’s meet up.” Funny enough after sending the text, I looked up and there he was, in line for the same club I was going to. Now, I know what you are thinking, man this girl is doing a lot for this guy who isn’t doing any work at all! Well you are right. But knowing this I still wanted to be with him. It’s a strange reality you are in after coming out of your first real relationship. You latch on to the first guy who shows you any bit of attention. And I was/am stubborn, and give guys the benefit of the doubt, convincing myself that yes, he is young, but he has so much potential! One of my girlfriends said to me at some point when I was seeing him, “Never be with someone for their potential. They will always disappoint.” However, tonight that didn’t matter because I was finally hanging out with him—he was making the effort!—or so I thought. I would love to say that this night was a turning point in our “relationship” but it was not. We played that ever so fun game of ignoring each other at the club, seeing who would come to whom first; passing each other with a smile and so on and so forth. I flirted and danced with other guys, trying to make him jealous- yea, not my proudest moment! In the end nothing came of it. I think he whispered in my ear at some point in the night, “You look good.” To which my heart fluttered, but really that was it. I left with my girlfriend and him later texting me asking where I was at.
Not soon after that amazing night, (that was sarcasm if you didn’t get it) he asked me if I could pick him up and take him to the airport—he was going home for a week. I, of course being the over accommodating person I was, said “Sure!” I drove up to the military base early one morning to pick him up. Again remember, an hour up and an hour back. Yea, I know… While I waited for him to get his things together, his roommate and I made small talk, then we said our goodbyes and left. While on our way to the airport we joked about how on the night we first met, I actually started to talk to his roommate first and he swooped in later that night. When I was leaving the club he asked me if his boy got my number, I said no and he responded, “Well, can I get it?” and so I gave it to him. I hadn’t really thought much about it at the time or since then really. Not until what happened next. I should have seen it coming from a mile away.
I dropped him off at the airport, we said our goodbyes, and I drove home. The next day I got a friends request from his roommate, I accepted, again not thinking anything of it. Well later that day I received a private message from his roommate. I clicked on it and up popped the message. The only content in the message was his phone number. As naïve as I was to the dating hustle back then, my first reaction was, “huh, well that’s strange.” It wasn’t until I had a conversation with a girlfriend that I was enlightened to the real intentions of that message. His roommate wanted me, and wanted to hook up with me while his said “boy” was out of town! I was disgusted, but more so I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t know if I should tell my guy about this or not. I decided to wait to tell him after he got home so as to not make him upset while he was gone. Also, I was afraid he was going to be mad at me, maybe thinking I initiated it. And, I definitely did NOT!
I ended up telling him when he got home, not face to face like I had wanted, but over a text message because I couldn’t wait it out any longer. And to my surprise he didn’t even flinch. He was not mad or upset, not even at his roommate! Now, I know guys have a different way of dealing with things, but come on!?!
This is when I learned two valuable lessons when it comes to the friends of the man you are dating. First lesson—no matter how loyal you are to them, they will always be more loyal to their boys. You can do all the accommodating, nice things- going out of your way to prove to them you are worthy, but at the end of the day, they will choose their bros before they choose the hoe (and no I am not referring to myself as a hoe—it’s the whole play on words thing remember? And just to reiterate I did not make up the saying). Now that being said, it is a complete generalization, yes, but I have found this to be true in so many of my dating experiences. When it comes down to making the choice between you and their guy friend, you will lose almost every time. Second lesson—if they do not “claim” you in front of their boys, then you are free game. As savage as that sounds, guys have a different way of viewing relationships. Many of them do not actually ever say, “I want you to be my girlfriend” or introduce you as “this is my girlfriend.” Many times they just introduce you as “this is my friend,” and that means “hands off,” in guy language…supposedly. However, this is a lie they like to feed you to appease you after the fight you just had about why you and he are still “just friends.” It’s like they leave you a trail of bread crumbs to nowhere!
Once I figured this out, I had already been hit on by a couple more of his friends. It took me a while to understand why his friends where doing this and after the last time I told him about it and with no reaction from him; I knew this so called “relationship” was destined to end. I would like to tell you that this was the end and the last you will hear of the bros before hoes hustler, but alas he has an astounding resilience to rejection and pops up again in the future. So stay tuned and stay hustling!